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Recovery Con

February 19th, 2010

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A woman I work with calls and tells me she is going through some terrible fear, but then goes on to say she’s working hard on her recovery, she’s going to four meetings week, she can’t talk with me but more than 5 minutes because she wants to go to another meeting. When I tell her that it isn’t easy being with the fear– just to support with compassion; show some empathy, right away she gets on about how she’s fine really. Then, I back off, and she is mad that I don’t have much to say to her. I see the old ‘come here, go away’ thing happening. And, I want to say, “Stop! Just sit down and stay with that fear, let it be your teacher. Quit running around to extra meetings to commiserate with others all the while trying to control the fear. Just be with it.” But I don’t, because it isn’t my life, it’s her life and not for me to push what is working it’s way to the surface in it’s own way, and on another level, is just fine.

That recovery con is a deep one that ego likes to run wild with: Oh, I know I just said I had this intense problem or that problem but it isn’t comfortable to stay with the feelings of it. No, that’s not going to happen.

She thinks she can control it. I asked her if she is powerless over it? I asked her who is in charge of this fear. She righteously and with indignation, says who else, “me”.  What’s this that is creating this fear? All good questions.

I know she’s about to end the sponsorship, because she is also telling me that she has been doing so good, going to regular meetings, always takes good care of herself, and is getting along fine with her boyfriend and all.

No bother to me, no bother at all, because until she is going to see how she’s doing this dance to cover up her deep dark suffering and wants to get honest about it, she’s conning herself, and it’s just a waste of time to keep talking with someone who is using a recovery con.

I remember a time when I went through this phase. I sure as heck knew I didn’t feel fine, but I also didn’t want anyone else to validate that I didn’t feel fine either. I wanted the public or others to see me as fine and to try and control that perspective all the while on the inside I didn’t feel fine at all.

When what you feel on the inside becomes willing to be seen and heard from others on the outside, then the recovering con starts to fall apart. Then, how and what others think is less important than just being with the truth of your fear or pain. Now then, that’s recovery.

Being “fine” or “not fine” are all part of the dualistic thinking process that keeps you ping ponging back and forth forever unless you find the third option. The third option is often not even considered. Like what is true right here and now? What do you feel right now?

Now-a-days, it’s way more comfortable for me to admit what is being felt and seen, and just take another look at it. It’s also fun to talk with others who see and recognize the pain of their delusions and know that it isn’t anything to worry about. It’s just part of the human condition and good to feel it, know it, and see it arise and pass away. And, it ain’t easy.

The Edge

February 9th, 2010

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By Constance Casey

2-6-2010

Expose your wounds,

gashes and craters

to the elements.

Bathe in the frozen snow,

and scratch against the ice

with your swollen hands and feet.

See those bubbles of exasperating sighs

burst

within your tense conflicting muscles.

Try and hold that repetitive pattern

of survival, and hope, and longing,

as your fingers leave the edge,

with not a fall from grace,

but into that dumb luck

of finding what you only

thought you never knew.

Strumming

January 8th, 2010

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by Constance Casey 12-23-2009

Left side of the neck and throat area plays some intense rhythm,

strumming down the ear, in and around the tonsils

then deep base strings in the heart area,
clenching with grief,
sublime openness,
and tension releasing through vibrating sensations of pulling,

stretching.

inner re-organization…of dreams — what sings this?

whatever – willing – being with

“selfing” brings along undoing, being with unknowing

each day brings less and less of any “me”

look inside and see scattered bones,
some cleaned out archaeological dig site long ago trampled and forgotten.

The trauma of selfing,
of building some-such-thing

is remembered deeply.

Unwinding this pattern tunes attention at every key moment,
singing chords of spine and vertebrae and marrow,
seeing the sun rise to melt any frozen limbs of innuendo.

Listen up! It’s open season on ideas.

Right in the center.

It has its own agenda,

“do not seek answers” is what Rilke said.

A tentacle arm softly unfolds,

seeing,
curious,

It can’t help Its wise molecular muscles made for touch
and all along, feels and knows, and understands and sees through and through,

again and again,

with all the more clarity and gratitude

and no direction, friend.

Relinquishment

November 14th, 2009

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By Constance Casey 11-12-09

Cleaning, moving, smoothly, mindfully.

All is expression

Keep it simple

Less is more

Less to remember is best

Less to do is best

Fewer places to go is best

Needing less is best

Smooth flowing relinquishment

Then all flow

Focus on being, let mind be

Big thoughts are trouble

Little hidden thoughts need air

Big thoughts clamor for attention

Little thoughts get none

Big thoughts eat up little thoughts

Little thoughts hide

Big thoughts have big disguises

Little thoughts are alone and naked

Big thoughts push and shove

Little thoughts sit quietly wondering

Relinquish all

Care for Karma

October 28th, 2009

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While walking with a friend yesterday, she asked me if I believe in karma. I immediately replied, “Yes”. And I knew that it wasn’t a belief, it’s a presence or knowing within that in each moment there are new births taking place, and I need to be aware of the degree of wholesomeness or unwholesomeness, the leaning in or away with intention.

My personality generally prefers to stay in the background and operate independently. In fact, it was probably this aloneness that brought me in and through knowing the dharma on an ultimate level.

But now that I know the seamless connection with all beings there is a strong tendency to back away from any possibility that I might be involved in harm. Not wanting to create or cause harm is an even bigger motivation for my doing things and/or not doing them more than ever before.

Any unfinished business is here for review and to be seen. These meditative reviews happen all the time. Some listen and participate and some don’t.

Even the Buddha was continually concerned with karma. There is a story I heard about how the Buddha had headaches and felt it was due to an event that happened in a past life. There are levels of learning that continue after enlightenment that involve all kinds of karma.

Wisdom comes along in the most serendipitous ways if we are open to it.

Being more aware of this happening, I felt grateful for being with Steve Armstrong last month when he talked about this. He outlined eight different kinds of karma:

  1. weighty karma
  2. proximate karma
  3. habitual karma
  4. reserve karma
  5. reproductive karma
  6. supportive karma
  7. obstructive karma
  8. destructive karma

Here is a link to the talk on karma:

http://commonground.dreamhosters.com/aud/RD_09-12-09_The_Mind_as_Medicine_Part_3_Steve_Armstrong.mp3

(He outlines the different kinds of karma during the second half of this talk).

This dharma really points out the necessity for mindfulness always, no matter what, no matter how enlightened you are or not! I need to look closely at my participation in each and every moment, each and every relationship. It can be beneficial to back away and review with compassion and patience so we can understand more about what is going on.

It seems to me that monastics who have gone through the stages of enlightenment continue to practice diligently for the rest of their lives because they know that the human condition is a condition of variable intensity and that awareness will pull one to greater and greater clarity all the way to the moment of death.

I’m not an expert on this. I just want to include this dharma talk as a gift to you to help you in your process. Allow this knowing of karma to lift you up with awareness and pull you toward knowing your true nature, and so that you can find gentler and more sane ways to be and operate in an insane world.