A woman I work with calls and tells me she is going through some terrible fear, but then goes on to say she’s working hard on her recovery, she’s going to four meetings week, she can’t talk with me but more than 5 minutes because she wants to go to another meeting. When I tell her that it isn’t easy being with the fear– just to support with compassion; show some empathy, right away she gets on about how she’s fine really. Then, I back off, and she is mad that I don’t have much to say to her. I see the old ‘come here, go away’ thing happening. And, I want to say, “Stop! Just sit down and stay with that fear, let it be your teacher. Quit running around to extra meetings to commiserate with others all the while trying to control the fear. Just be with it.” But I don’t, because it isn’t my life, it’s her life and not for me to push what is working it’s way to the surface in it’s own way, and on another level, is just fine.
That recovery con is a deep one that ego likes to run wild with: Oh, I know I just said I had this intense problem or that problem but it isn’t comfortable to stay with the feelings of it. No, that’s not going to happen.
She thinks she can control it. I asked her if she is powerless over it? I asked her who is in charge of this fear. She righteously and with indignation, says who else, “me”. What’s this that is creating this fear? All good questions.
I know she’s about to end the sponsorship, because she is also telling me that she has been doing so good, going to regular meetings, always takes good care of herself, and is getting along fine with her boyfriend and all.
No bother to me, no bother at all, because until she is going to see how she’s doing this dance to cover up her deep dark suffering and wants to get honest about it, she’s conning herself, and it’s just a waste of time to keep talking with someone who is using a recovery con.
I remember a time when I went through this phase. I sure as heck knew I didn’t feel fine, but I also didn’t want anyone else to validate that I didn’t feel fine either. I wanted the public or others to see me as fine and to try and control that perspective all the while on the inside I didn’t feel fine at all.
When what you feel on the inside becomes willing to be seen and heard from others on the outside, then the recovering con starts to fall apart. Then, how and what others think is less important than just being with the truth of your fear or pain. Now then, that’s recovery.
Being “fine” or “not fine” are all part of the dualistic thinking process that keeps you ping ponging back and forth forever unless you find the third option. The third option is often not even considered. Like what is true right here and now? What do you feel right now?
Now-a-days, it’s way more comfortable for me to admit what is being felt and seen, and just take another look at it. It’s also fun to talk with others who see and recognize the pain of their delusions and know that it isn’t anything to worry about. It’s just part of the human condition and good to feel it, know it, and see it arise and pass away. And, it ain’t easy.
February 19th, 2010
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